Seeing

Whenever he makes you feel like you’re not enough,
step back for a while and take a real look.
Not at yourself, you’ve looked at you long enough,
but at him,
and all his unearned entitlement,
his beer soaked breath,
his frayed T-shirts,
his text speak spelling,
his emotional ADD,
and all the ads he has been sold,
and all the photoshop he believes,
the online porn he’s addicted to,
filled with silicone people,
choreographing emotionless orgasms,
it’s like fast food, McDonald’s, but for his dick.
And then, think of the women putting fingers in their mouths,
in bathrooms,
everywhere,
throwing up everything they ate before to feel full,
to fit into underwear that makes them uncomfortable,
that goes up their asses and gives them a rash,
that comes undone in the dryer,
in hopes that they will feel wanted, maybe,
at least, for a second,
and then he probably won’t even eat them out,
and they’re not even eating,
so then, who wins?
Not you, not her, not any woman, not me,
because what sexiness feels like is being free,
not hating yourself for one goddamn day,
not caring how you look when you cum,
making him make you cum.
But how can you?
Because he doesn’t even see you,
because he doesn’t even know
how to see.

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Catwoman

They first called me The Cat,
with my leather and whip, men couldn’t resist
the click of my black heels against the concrete.                                                                               

Tell me where the jewels are, I’d hiss in their ears,                                                                     those men with their women who wait for diamonds half their lives.                                           I just take mine.

Catwoman, masked woman, thief woman, whip woman,                                                               slick woman, poor woman, trouble woman,
all me, not me,
I slide against the brick like a furry feline yet I shine
like newly pressed vinyl.
How could the man of the bats, of the night,
in his cold sterile cave
not look up
and notice me?

Who was I before?

They thought I was a flight attendant in a short skirt passing out coffee,
The exits are there, there, and there.


One day I was hit on the head 
and I changed…became something else,
                                 reverted to the quick mercurial beauty of the feline.
Or maybe I was a battered wife, 
an age old story of pain,
played out too many times each day
 again and again until people look away,
                         and ignore the bruises that shine so clearly in front of them
in the supermarket.

But before I break completely I break
into my then husband’s safe and it feels so good,
so free, so right,
that I want to break into all the safes,
into all the husbands,
until I have all the jewels,
until all the bruises fade
to smooth and clear.

Or maybe I dominate for money. Businessmen come to me,
there’s a girl who looks up to me,
we pretend we are not selling ourselves,
and yet we are.

Or maybe I was an orphan,
and I catch the owner of the orphanage embezzling funds,
I am young and small, and they throw me in a sack, like a wayward stray cat,
and yet I live and come back,
forever scratched,
forever skittish,
forever changed,
yet always landing,

on my feet.

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Food Stamp Zen

Clean the dust out of the corners of your room,
then look at the balance again.
Do the math inside your head,
then go out and get what you can.
Think about what could be worse.

Grab oranges as if they were the last
gifts on earth.
Think about how warm soup can calm you,
coat your insides                                                                                                                                     like love never seemed to.

Think about how here it feels
like feeling at ease is only for people
who have never counted the quarters in their pockets
to see what they could equal.

Think about how cool a coin feels against your fingertips
and how pleasure can sometimes be felt more acutely
when pain bleeds around it.

Think about joy and how you must
concentrate on finding it.
Carry your bags inside and think about
how you will survive.

Get under the blanket your mother sent you
and listen to the rain hit the trash cans outside.
Think about fear as if it were just garbage
you could throw away                                                                                                                             like dust cleared out of the corners
of your brain.

Think about balance and if you’ll ever
find it again.

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Shark

I swam to the bottom of a shallow end
and hit my head.

When I bleed you can see it
rise up red in the water.
Like a shark, you’ll swim toward the loss.

Who is stronger,
the predator or the prey?

You may feed on me but know
that after it is done,
you will still be
hungry.

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Sublimation

“This snow is all going to turn to mud,” she says.

We’re walking in it and I keep wishing for spring.

She’s reminding me of the part in between,

how things must melt and flood before

anything will grow.

 
Lately, I’ve felt the flood in me,

flashed feelings

drowning out the circuit breakers

of my brain.

My heart muddied,

I am stuck in place.

The ground sinks and each movement

becomes treacherous.

 
Lately, I’d rather hide under ice than

find what’s underneath.

I am afraid of the rush of what I can’t control.

I am afraid of the rotting at the roots of things

before they even begin.
 

“Aren’t you looking forward to spring?” I ask her, walking faster, against the cold wind.

“Yes, but it will get cold again first, she says, “Why rush what will come anyway?”
 

And I think it’s her youth

that makes her think the sun

is an inevitable thing,

that warmth always returns.

I am older and I don’t rely on much

coming back anymore.
 

But I know I can no longer fear

the in-between.

The changing of things.

The uncertainty.

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Drowning the witch

I never knew what they were so afraid of,
But whatever it was
They saw it in me.

They threw me in the river to see if I would sink.
They tied up my hands so I could not swim.

I’d given up on this town already.
My feeling was gone,
My vision was heavy.

Fear is a funny thing.
Sometimes, those who are most afraid are the ones
we should fear the most.
This is what went through my head,
before they threw me in.
This is what I thought before I gave in to the water
and could no longer breathe.

All the spells I wish I knew,
The fire I wish I could conjure up,
To weed out all the whispers in the houses that would
bring me to this.

I thought there was fight left in me.
But nothing is worse than the feeling of drowning.
All you thought you could have been,
all you are,
flashes of life being put out by an unstoppable current,
filling up your lungs,
flooding out your heart.

They will say you’re evil if you float,
And you remember floating in a lake once and how,
it was the best feeling of your life,
looking up at the sky and forgetting.

But you can’t float when you’re tied down.
The last big surprise is the sack they put over your head,
right before you’re thrown in.

Much later,
You will float to the surface to remind them
of the certainty
of your innocence.

Your soul will shake free, angry, through the trees.
You will look down and see
that they won’t remember.

I never knew what they were so afraid of,
But whatever it was
They saw it in me.

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Evisceration

I could teach you how to love,

But everyone knows you only learn what you want.

You could teach me how to get,

But everyone knows I am not good at keeping.

 
I’ve lost from all I’ve given.

But all there is

is what is left in front of me,

squirming in my clasped hands,

like a startled creature ripped from the sea,

gasping.

 
I can now feel,

the punctured valves

of my soft heart,

finally taken out,

for everyone

to see.

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